GBJ Exclusive: McCain Wears Depends

Is McCain too old? It Depends...

While talking to reporters about his stance on illegal immigration Wednesday, John McCain abruptly paused mid-sentence and loudly sighed, “Ahhh...” - click fo shopping He then continued to provide details on his plan to secure the Mexican border. Because The Gay Black Jew reporter who normally covers the McCain beat was recently attacked by an angry Christian mob, I had to cover for him. This major scoop promises to permanently alter the 2008 Presidential election, and I was uniquely qualified to break the story. McCain’s dramatic mid-sentence sigh made me very curious. Was he just tired from campaigning? No, it wasn’t a tired sigh. It seemed like there was an odd element of pleasure involved. Then I noticed that his pants seemed a bit puffy around the waist. I was immediately reminded of delivering Depends undergarments to nursing home residents while working for my parents’ pharmacy in high school. As usual, the major network and cable news reporters were in front, asking about different policy positions and past votes in Congress. The questions were boring, and I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spice things up. I wasn’t just in the back of the group of reporters. I was also behind a row of bushes and my view was obstructed by a large willow tree. CONTINUE STORY

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