Tom Delay negotiated a controversial compromise yesterday among the Republican leadership on a right to die initiative sponsored by thirty-nine Democrats. He took the floor of the House of Representatives to announce the amended legislation, despite the ethics cloud still hovering above his head.

Many republican senators are convinced “The Hammer” will be forced to resign or will lose in next year’s elections. Delay seemed inspired as he took the floor for his passionate address.

“Under my bill, if you’re gay, black or Jewish, you will have the right to die,” Delay began, in what could be his last formal address to Congress. “I know two gay men and one lesbian. They’re miserable. They know they’re going to burn in hell for eternity.

"If they want to go sooner rather than later, that doesn't bother me. Many black Americans are living in poverty. We saw that after Hurricane Katrina. If they want to die, it will save a lot of tax revenue from hard-working and God-fearing Americans. And Jews, well, they killed my savior Lord Jesus Christ. If a Jew wants to speed up their inevitable fiery plunge into Hell, I don’t have a problem with that either. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Delay continued, trying to suppress tears, “I think we should do whatever we can to sap the last bit of agony-filled life out of straight Christians, the good Americans like Terry Schiavo. But it’s time to let gays, blacks and Jews just die. If they want to, of course. Hundreds of years from now I envision a day when almost all Americans can go to heaven. Mega churches are sprouting up everywhere, spreading the word and wisdom of Jesus. Praise the Lord.

“One day there will be no gays, few Jews and all the black people who haven't embraced The Lord Jesus Christ as their Savior will have either killed each other or simply chosen to die. Praise the Lord. Only then will God truly bless America and prevent hurricanes and floods, tornadoes and terrorism, lust and greed, crime and all wicked behavior. My fellow Americans, that is a day I will treasure. Most likely, I will be playing golf with God and Jesus in Heaven when it happens. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ.

“But as long as we have sodomy, the EPA, abortion, birth control, premarital sex, pornography, the widespread use of tampons and doctor-assisted suicide, God shall punish us all. As long as we have Teletubbies, rap music, NPR, day care, godless schools and the Clean Air Act, God shall punish us all. God cleans the air, my fellow senators, and he doesn’t want our help. I am proud of this compromise I present to you today. This is not only a good bill; it is God’s bill. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.”

After his speech, an unknown man dressed in a brown, hooded robe rappelled down from the ceiling of the Capitol building and approached Delay with a blue light saber. Without even turning to face his attacker, a bolt of red fire leapt from Delay’s left hand and engulfed the man, who quickly disintegrated.

The assailant’s brown robe softly fell to the floor while the light saber crashed to the ground. As the sound still echoed throughout the crowded chamber, Dennis Kucinich quickly snatched the light saber and tested it on a nearby metal railing. It cut through the metal like a scalpel through foreskin.

Five Secret Service agents converged on Kucinich and pinned him to the ground, confiscating the weapon. After striking down the mysterious attacker, Tom Delay smiled and pretended that nothing had happened. He quickly left the building without talking to reporters. The FBI’s Paranormal Activities Division immediately launched an investigation into the incident.