Bill O'Reilly has traced almost all of America's problems to France.

In June 2007, Sportsbook.com took a stab at handicapping the 2008 presidential election. Hillary Clinton led with 7-2 odds, followed by Rudy Giuliani at 10-1.

Bill O’Reilly, who never mentioned any plans to run for president, was listed at 750-1.

Soon those odds will change. Yesterday O’Reilly formally announced his late-entry into the presidential race, including an extremely controversial strategy for running against Obama and McCain.

“I didn’t want to run as a republican,” he told Sean Hannity in his first interview last night. “I’ve always been an independent, and third-party candidates have never had a chance.”

After Hannity briefly defended the Republican Party, O’Reilly told him to shut up. Then he continued.

“I watched Clinton and Bush for eight years each, and they really couldn’t help the American people. So I don’t want to be President of the United States. I want to be Dictator of the United States. If I couldn’t tell everyone what to do, like I do with my staff, then what would be the point?”

Then Hannity launched into a passionate defense of the Constitution and democracy in general, but it only lasted about ten seconds before O’Reilly told him to shut up again.

“I’ve always been fair and balanced, unlike Congress. Congress has proven they can’t get the job done. They’ve never even addressed the War on Christmas. Or why young, white, blonde teenage girls keep disappearing.”

“And Americans don’t need the Supreme Court, with nine pinheads arguing about stuff when I always know what the people need. So I’d get rid of both of them, and save taxpayers a lot of money.”

Hannity quickly pointed out that the Supreme Court was really close to a conservative majority that could strip gays and lesbians of all rights, re-segregate schools, allow torture in American prisons, end abortion...

Before he could finish, O’Reilly’s face turned red, he got up out of his chair and then waved a finger at Hannity. “If you don’t shut up, I’ll tell your viewers all about what you did to that gay black Jew in 1991.”

Hannity did not speak anymore during the remainder of what was billed as an exclusive interview.

Many political analysts expressed concern about O’Reilly’s obsession with France, which he encouraged all Americans to boycott when the country refused to send troops to Iraq. However, on his radio show, he called any soldiers they could have sent “surrender monkeys.”

Sure enough, O’Reilly confirmed their worst fears.

“France, obviously, is the source of most of our problems,” O’Reilly told Hannity, who at this point was very pale and shaking slightly.

“The War on Christmas, missing white women, terrorism, taxes, gas prices…you name it, almost all of our problems can be traced to the French. On my TV and radio shows I can only tell people to boycott France. But as a Fair and Balanced Dictator, I got the nukes.”

Then O’Reilly shifted from an intense look, as if he were confronting a man who had raped, tortured and then murdered his daughter, into a look of deep concern, which seemed genuine and heart-felt.

“Many organizations like the ACLU, and even worse are the web sites, like the vile, hate-filled site called The Gay Black Jew…these people have been waging a war against Christmas for years. And the media, except Fox News, have been silent.”

O’Reilly’s face again turned red, extremely red, even Santa Claus-red.

Finally, O’Reilly addressed another issue he feels very passionate about: missing white, blonde teenage girls.

“When I covered the Natalee Holloway investigation on my show five days a week for seven months, The Factor had the highest ratings ever. What does that tell me? It tells me that Americans are more worried about missing white, blonde teenage girls than high gas prices, the war in Iraq, Iran, the environment …or anything, really.”

O’Reilly was quick to point out that he’s also worried about missing brown girls, even the “nappy-headed” ones, but there’s really nothing he could do as Dictator of the United States.

“I intend to use military satellites to find missing white teenage girls, especially the ones with blonde hair. Unfortunately, as the NSA guys know, brown people don’t show up on the satellites, and blonde hair makes white girls easier to find from space. And those are FactorFacts®”

Bill "Fuck it" O'Reilly