I puked all over Hastert's hairy back! And he liked it.

WASHINGTON, DC—It took me three years of living in two different worlds. I went to places so scary, I still have nightmares.

But now I’m the only one in the world who can say that I’ve fucked 37 Republican Senators and 128 Republican representatives in the ass. I've penetrated the asses of evil.

Many say that liberals aren’t patriotic, but I beg to differ. In each repulsive instance, my mind was focused: USA! USA! USA!

Thanks to the bravery and courage of my penis, I will be a huge part of history. My memoirs will be worth millions. And the Gay Black Jew will become a household name.

But you have NO idea the sacrifices that I made for my country. This may disappoint some readers who haven’t explored my site much, but I’m actually a heterosexual, Caucasian gentile.

I think men are disgusting, especially Republicans. But my anger trumped all my boundaries. 

Sometimes it was in public bathrooms, sometimes it was in the woods of a park near D.C., and sometimes it was in an expensive hotel. But in each instance, a republican welcomed my dick inside their hairy bung hole.

My sacrifices will get more Democrats elected than any direct-mail campaign, fundraiser or, well, anything. I rule. My favorite moment was with Sen. Tom Coburn (R-OK) in a gas station bathroom. In 2004, Coburn passionately stated on the floor of the Senate, “The gay community is the greatest threat to our freedom that we face today.”

I fucked him so hard that blood was gushing out of his anus and I was worried a minor organ might pop out.

I saved Dennis Hastert for last, even though he’s not seeking another term. It took 3 months to arrange a rendezvous at a swanky D.C. hotel. As I feared, once in the act, I puked all over Hastert’s hairy back.

He didn’t seem surprised and even said, “Don't worry, that usually happens.” It was like he enjoyed it.

Now that my work is done, I have to deal with Republican herpes, Chlamydia, genital warts, scabies and gonorrhea. I’m still waiting for my AIDS test results.

But even if I die a premature death do to my purposeful promiscuity, I will have achieved my dream: a lengthy Wikipedia entry. Well, not exactly. I set out, unemployed, living in my parent’s basement, to change the world. AND I HAVE! Now all I want is for Nostradamus’s  prophecy for me to come true.