Is McCain too old? It Depends...

ALTOONA, PA —While talking to reporters about his stance on illegal immigration Wednesday, John McCain abruptly paused mid-sentence and loudly sighed, “Ahhh...”

He then continued to provide details on his plan to secure the Mexican border.

Because The Gay Black Jew reporter who normally covers the McCain beat was recently attacked by an angry Christian mob, I had to cover for him.

This major scoop promises to permanently alter the 2008 Presidential election, and I was uniquely qualified to break the story.

McCain’s dramatic mid-sentence sigh made me very curious. Was he just tired from campaigning? No, it wasn’t a tired sigh. It seemed like there was an odd element of pleasure involved.

Then I noticed that his pants seemed a bit puffy around the waist. I was immediately reminded of delivering Depends undergarments to nursing home residents while working for my parents’ pharmacy in high school.

As usual, the major network and cable news reporters were in front, asking about different policy positions and past votes in Congress. The questions were boring, and I had a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spice things up.

I wasn’t just in the back of the group of reporters. I was also behind a row of bushes and my view was obstructed by a large willow tree.

But I kept my hand raised the whole time. Nothing stops The Gay Black Jew, especially when it comes to humiliating a Republican.

Finally, McCain called on me. I said, “Jamaal Rosenthal, The Gay Black Jew.” He looked as though he didn’t understand what I had said, but he smiled anyway.

“Senator, do you wear undergarment protection, you know, for a bladder control problem? And if so, as President, would your Depends have a Presidential seal? Like the special M&Ms they have at the White House?”

McCain’s face quickly turned red but he was speechless. Twelve Secret Service agents hauled me within 15 seconds.

Of course, I never expected to get an answer out of McCain. But I didn’t have to. I always carry a thick wad of $100 bills when I’m working as a reporter. You never know when a few hundred dollars can loosen some lips.

And I knew that most of his senior advisors were lobbyists. While the lobbyist/advisors would not go on the record, the first three I contacted eagerly took my cash.

For a mere $100, the first lobbyist confirmed my hypothesis: “McCain wears Depends undergarments. Sometimes he goes days without changing them. I prefer to talk to him on my cell phone.”

The second lobbyist demanded $200, but she gave me some free campaign food. “McCain wets his pants, I mean Depends, at least four times a day. He actually told me once that he enjoys the freedom of not having to go to the bathroom.”

Finally, the third lobbyist/adviser supplied an interesting detail. “When he hasn’t changed his Depends all day, he walks differently. I think it’s all the urine weight he’s carrying around his waist.”

Once it was clear that I was going to publish the story, Senator McCain’s Communications Director, Jill Hazelbaker, issued a statement late last night explaining the situation.

“Yesterday, Senator McCain gave a speech at a nursing home in Pittsburgh. And like Hillary Clinton wearing a hijab in Saudi Arabia or Obama dressing as a Somali elder in Kenya, he wore the traditional nursing home garments out of respect for his audience. It was a long day and he simply forgot to take them off.”