SEE CNN.COM HOME PAGE: "NOTHING HAPPENED TODAY"

This morning, FoxNews.com reported that Obama’s cousin’s uncle’s daughter’s boyfriend’s father’s barber might have been associated with a militant black nationalist group called "United to Kill Whitey" in the late 1960s.

The other top story was about the mother of an attractive, blonde, 17-year-old girl in Wilmington, North Carolina who was worried for at least ten minutes last night that her daughter might have been kidnapped.

CNN, however, reported that “Nothing Happened Today” in all news categories. CNN reporters joined the writer’s strike, but FOX News only employs Republican operatives, so it was not affected.

In an exclusive interview with The Gay Black Jew, CNN President Jonathan Klein emphasized that viewers and readers should not worry:

“We have a really smart janitor who’s working on a story about the history of the mop. Over in accounting, a bright young woman is investigating how dealing with numbers all day can make you a boring person. Then we have a computer whiz working on a story about how fast different trees grow. I told him to do something dealing with computers, but he wanted to write about tree growth. But don’t worry; we’re going to get through this.”

If other staff members at CNN can’t pick up the slack, Klein admits that he will be forced to outsource all reporting to technical support operators in India. “For some reason, in India people are really good using a phone. And that’s really all a reporter needs,” Klein said yesterday.