PHILADELPHIA, Pa—Senator Barack Obama shocked even his most senior advisors in a speech yesterday when he claimed that he was an “elitist, ultra-liberal bastard.”

The unprecedented remarks came as the Democratic front-runner stood next to the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia with a look of confidence that has been missing from his recent appearances.

“My fellow Americans,” Obama began, in what was the only part of his speech that could be described as conventional. Then he paused for a full ten seconds before saying, “Since I’m an elitist, I can memorize my speeches and ad-lib a lot. Bush is far from being an elitist, and he can’t even give a decent speech with a teleprompter. Tonight, I don't have a speech. So we’ll see what happens.”

The crowd, estimated to be over 30,000, was silent as Obama began what was easily the most controversial speech ever by a presidential candidate.

“Once I secure the Democratic nomination,” Obama continued, “Republicans are going to try and paint me as an elitist liberal. I’m going to jump-start that effort tonight. I am an elitist liberal, and I’m also a bastard. But I’m a proud, elitist, liberal bastard.”

At this point, something happened that may be another first in history. Thousands of Obama supporters could be heard bursting into tears as they obviously sensed a political suicide attempt by perhaps the most promising and inspirational Democratic presidential candidate since John F. Kennedy.   

The sound of thousands crying so passionately was a noise that may never be replicated. But slowly, Obama began to work the crowd into a frenzy of loud support, with multiple standing ovations once he was done.

First he addressed why he considers himself an elitist. “There’s no doubt whatsoever that I’m an elitist. But anyone who thinks that they’re the best person for the most elite job in the world better consider themselves to be a so-called elitist. Hillary and McCain are elitists too, and they know it.”

Obama’s voice grew louder as he began a string of questions. “Do you want the President of the only superpower to have an education from probably the most elite school in the world—Harvard—or would you rather have someone who struggled to get into their local community college? Or someone who was a slacker and got accepted to an elite school simply because of their dad?

"Do you want a President who has shared thoughts and debated different issues with some of the most intelligent people in the world, or a President who would rather chop down brush in his back yard with a machete? Do you want a President who reads a lot of books and newspapers to stay tuned in to all the important issues in the world…or a President who prefers to hack brush in his back yard with a machete?

"Do you want a President with impeccable table manners meeting with an important leader over a gourmet dinner, or do you want our country represented by someone who chews loudly with an open mouth and talks with his mouth full while constantly trying to turn the conversation to baseball and NASCAR?”

While his risky words were first met with awkward silence, soon the crowd was almost in a trance—seemingly mesmerized by the honesty of the self-described “proud, elitist, liberal bastard.”

Obama had to pause for nearly five minutes, as the crowd became deafening. He then addressed his admission of being a liberal.

“If wanting to make college more affordable makes you a liberal, then I’m a liberal. If wanting to protect the environment instead of the deep pockets of oil companies, then I’m a liberal. If wanting to fight the most profitable industry in America—the pharmaceutical industry—so more Americans can afford the drugs they need—if that makes you a liberal, then I’m a liberal.

"If helping the middle class with tax cuts and the poor with help from government programs instead of helping multi-millionaires and corporations makes you a liberal, then I’m a liberal. If trying to end abstinence-only sex education programs—because every study says they don’t work and may even cause harm—makes you a liberal, then I’m a liberal. If trying to negotiate with countries like Iran instead of itching to start another costly and unnecessary war makes you a liberal, then I’m a liberal.”

Finally, Obama explained his claim of being a bastard. “My mom got married after she was pregnant with me. But why does that matter at all? A kid needs unconditional love, support, dedication and lots of other things—Republicans like to call many of these qualities ‘family values.’ My mom gave me all those things and more, and I’d take her any day over a most traditional parents that Republicans find so important.”

To close, Obama issued a sincere apology, including the f-word, before lighting a cigarette, smiling defiantly and placing an American flag lapel-pin on his suit. “So I’m proud to be an elitist, liberal bastard, but I’ve never been proud that I got addicted to cigarettes many years ago. Even an elitist like me makes mistakes, but since I may have just destroyed my political future, I think I deserve a f’ing cigarette.”

The standing ovation lasted nearly thirty minutes, and two hours after his speech, at least half the crowd was still hanging out, as twenty-seven huge beer trucks appeared and a massive American party lasted until sunrise. Obama stayed and drank his favorite beer—the elite microbrew, Dogfishhead 60-Minute India Pale ale, out of a fresh glass for each beer, as most of the crowd happily drank Miller Light from plastic cups.

Editor’s Note: Obama is d-shiznit. The Gay Black Jew has already issued a formal Obama endorsement.

Hillary makes me want to blow chunks...into a fan that blows those chunks all over her face. This is the most important election, by far, of my lifetime. And she just might fuck it all up.

So...Hillary can suck my dick...oh, I don’t think she does that...and maybe that's why our country is so fucked up right now...damn, I can double-blame the bitch. Or just call her a cunt, like McCain called his wife a cunt, which was witnessed by three reporters and two of his own aides.