Problem child? Potty-training a pet? Try waterboarding!

My parents have been gone for three weeks, and they left me to take care of their toy poodle puppy, which isn’t potty trained yet. My little puppy has been shitting and pissing all over the place. Not anymore!

You see, I believe in Britney Spears when she said, “I think we should just trust our president in every decision that he makes and we should just support that.” Obviously, President Bush supports waterboarding, and I figured it might work on my puppy.

So I caught “Izzy” squatting on an oriental rug. Sure enough, once I securely strapped Izzy to a slightly inclined board in my tub, stuffed a wet rag in her mouth and began pouring water on her face…she yelped and screamed! I chanted USA! USA! USA!

About ten hours later, she tinkled right in front of me. Back to the board! Once again, she yelped and screamed as if she was facing certain death. But I read about waterboarding on Wikipedia, so I knew what I was doing.

After waterboarding my toy poodle puppy, she only goes outside! See? Torture works! It’s the American way. Izzy never licks my face anymore, she howls at nothing, sometimes walks backwards and runs in circles for hours. But that's funny stuff. At least she doesn’t shit or piss inside anymore.