Note: If there were an editor for this site, this is what he or she might have said about the following story: “This is tasteless, highly offensive, creatively irresponsible and a national disgrace." But since the writer is the editor, he has different priorities.

Private Special Fantastic Johnson brushed his teeth even during the heat of combat.

Private Special Fantastic Johnson received his unique name spontaneously at birth. His dad first held him and said, “He’s special.” Then Special’s mom held him and screamed, “Yes, he’s fantastic!” Having debated on names for months, they quickly agreed on Special Fantastic.

“It was a curse,” his mom now says. “I feel tremendously sad and guilty that I don’t feel sad—or guilty. But he was only special in that, well, bad way, and he was anything but fantastic.” When asked for Special’s best quality, Mrs. Johnson took several minutes to compose an answer. Finally, she muttered softly, “He brushed his teeth regularly.”

Special Fantastic Johnson died in Iraq from what was initially thought to be an improvised explosive device or IED. Tests at the site, however, indicated the use of military-grade C4 plastic explosives. Insurgents in Iraq do not have access to C4. Johnson was the driver of a Humvee devoid of passengers at the time of the explosion.

The Army is currently investigating whether Johnson’s Platoon Sergeant had a role in his death. Sources say that Sgt. Richard Barker, shortly before Special’s death, told three other soldiers in his platoon, “Something has to be done about Special Fantastic Johnson. Something special—something fantastic. How much C4 we got?” A full military investigation is underway.

According to his mom, Special Fantastic never had a friend for more than a few hours. She attributed this to his nasty habit of projectile-vomiting on his classmates, a habit that stayed with him until he was a senior in high school. Mrs. Johnson believes that his antisocial behavior began around age seven or eight.

"By the time Special was ten years old, he was stuffing firecrackers into frogs and blowing them up, just like President Bush used to do in Texas," Special's mom said. "But unlike Bush, my son moved on to bigger things. When he was twelve, he took his sister's hamster, shoved a huge firecracker up its ass and blew it up in her room—for no apparent reason. By the time he got to the Army, he was only spitting on people occasionally."

Special Fantastic was truly “An Army of One,” and he quickly earned the playful nickname “Idiot Moron” in boot camp. One soldier in Special’s platoon, who did not want to be identified, struggled to say anything nice about him. “He did stop masturbating while we were on patrol, after we all confronted him,” the soldier said. “One time, on a night recon mission, I think he gave away our position because he couldn’t keep his hand out of his pants. He was a sniper, so a lot of times he’d be all alone on a rooftop just beating off for hours.”

Another soldier, Jonathon Junquesky, mostly offered comments unfit to mention on a family-oriented web site like The Gay Black Jew. But he did say, “His breath wasn’t that bad. He brushed his teeth regularly, no matter where we were.” Perhaps Johnson’s legacy will be in his oral hygiene, even in the heat of combat. Special Fantastic Johnson is survived by his mother, father and one sister.

Note, Part 2: I admire our soldiers for their bravery and sacrifice. But they’re not all great people. Like certain policemen attracted to the job out of an unnatural thirst for power and authority, sometimes soldiers enlist for less than noble reasons. And just because a soldier dies, it doesn't make them a hero. That’s the main point of this story.

Finally, a friend of mine is a veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan, and he liked this story. That’s all I needed to know. He's going to be the first guest writer on the GBJ, with a sort of "reflection on war" column. First entry: "My Interpreter Didn't Speak English."