SECRET LOCATION, Somewhere in U.S.—Happiness is not something Americans typically associate with terrorists. On TV they appear angry, fanatical and violent.

But Muhammed Muhammed al-Muhammed, who used to be al Qaeda’s "number three guy," is one of the happiest people I’ve ever met.

“If there is a heaven, almost all the virgins are going to be fat and ugly,” the former terrorist boldly claimed yesterday.

Muhammed worships his filthy whore in ritual he performs each day at 4 pm.

With his Ray-Bans, black leather jacket, faded jeans and clean-shaven face, he certainly did not look like a terrorist.

Muhammed continued, “Imagine if a terrorist actually does go to heaven and is greeted by 72 virgins. When he sees them it’s going to be like biting into a piece of toast in the morning that you thought you had spread with apple butter, but had accidentally covered with rancid teriyaki sauce.” 

Muhammed can afford to come forward with his shockingly frank and objective analysis, in part because that is not his real name. He is a charter member of a progressive new CIA program, “Operation Deflowering Terror.”

Before entering the program, the 36-year-old former terrorist had to undergo a process called Goal Inversion Therapy (GIT). An advanced form of applied hypnosis, the procedure was used to convert Muhammed’s dream of 72 virgins in heaven into intense lust for one filthy whore on Earth.
 
After performing the therapy on Muhammed, a senior CIA psychiatrist, who spoke on condition of anonymity, was amazed at the outcome. “After welcoming the filthy whore into his five-bedroom house, he actually thought he was in heaven for the first week. Another guy in the program still thinks he’s in heaven, and it’s been six months since he got his GIT. I think he was assigned our filthiest whore.”

Muhammed may be brainwashed, but he offered a refreshing perspective on his life in the new CIA program. Today, he calls himself a radical realist. “I believe in now,” Mohammed said. “And right now, I got a filthy whore who’ll suck my dick and let me stick it in her ass. I like that. I like that very much. And I’ll take that over hoping to one day get a bunch of fat virgins in the sky.”

Muhammed’s filthy whore went through an intensive two-year CIA training program. As part of the program, she was required to get tattoos of a huge American flag on her back, a cheeseburger on each ankle, a slice of pizza on each thigh and a Ford Explorer on her ass. The tattoos help Muhammed make a strong connection between America and hot, unbridled sex.

Filthy whores are trained to seduce, fuck and manipulate previously violent Islamic extremists. To facilitate the assimilation process, the sex ops promote common habits of a typical middle-aged American man, like eating pizza, drinking beer and masturbating to pornos.

Throughout the interview, Muhammed could not stop talking about his filthy little whore. He kept shifting the conversation to talk about how his arranged girlfriend is “so filthy” and “such a whore.” He was certainly not afraid to reveal personal details about his sex life.

“I like her best when she hasn’t bathed in a few days,” Muhammed confided, almost tearing up. “And then she gets gang banged by six or seven men. That really makes her shine. It’s so beautiful; it makes me cry. I love America, and all the filthy little whores who live here. Let Allah be praised, but God bless America.”

He was quick to add, “And if the virgins existed, I doubt any of them would let me piss in their mouth.” At this point, Muhammed became very emotional. He wiped his tears of joy with soiled panties from his filthy whore and repeated, “Let Allah be praised, but God bless America.”

The CIA will use Muhammed for intelligence gathering and analysis, while Muhammed plans to spend most of his time fucking his filthy little whore.

My first video: 8 seconds of animated seriousness