DES MOINES, Iowa—With his refreshing sense of humor and surprising rise in the Iowa polls, lately the media spotlight has been on Republican Presedential candidate Mike Huckabee. But some Iowa residents want to shatter that light.

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Jamaal Rosenthal and his partner, Carl Schwartzberg, are the only two gay black Jews in the entire state of Iowa. And they see Huckabee as the worst possible candidate for President.

“Huckabee says it’s okay to be gay as long as you don’t act gay,” Rosenthal said yesterday. “I say it’s okay to be Christian as long as you don’t act Christian. And it’s okay to be an idiot as long as you don’t run for President.”

“He interprets the bible literally,” Schwartzberg added. “He doesn’t believe in evolution and he thinks the world is only 6,000 years old. I wonder if he believes that the sun revolves around a flat earth. Seriously, I think Britney Spears would make a better President.” CONTINUE STORY

In a stunning admission during last night’s press conference, President Bush took full responsibility for the CIA interrogation tapes that were destroyed.

“Did you play any role in destroying the tapes, Mr. President?” AP correspondent Jennifer Loven asked.

“I’m glad you asked,” the President began. “I can’t let the CIA take the blame on this one. My dog Barney ate the tapes.”

“Why would Barney be near the tapes?” NBC correspondent David Gregory probed.

“Cheney and I go to the White House theatre all the time to watch hours of interrogation tapes, and Barney used to come,” Bush explained, before slipping into his trademark half-laugh and spreading his hands apart.
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Leading Republican Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani has done a long list of questionable things. He recommended a corrupt Police Chief with ties to the Mob for Bush’s Secretary of Homeland Security.

After a truck bomb at the World Trade Center proved that it was a terrorist target, killed 6 while injuring over 1,000 people, Giuliani decided to place New York’s Emergency Response Center at the World Trade Center.

He broke up with his wife as mayor, not personally, but in a press conference. He refused to meet with any black politicians.

And he claimed that he was at the World Trade Center “as often, if not more” than the cleanup workers. From September 17th to December 16th, he spent 29 hours there and 58 hours watching Yankees games.
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Ann Coulter is known for making controversial statements, like calling Presidential candidate John Edwards a “faggot” in March. Monday night, on Donny Deutsch’s CNBC show, “The Big Idea,” Coulter suggested that Jewish people needed to “perfect” themselves into Christians.

But the mainstream media, used to Coulter’s radical comments, largely ignored the story. Perhaps upset with the lack of attention, last night Coulter appeared on “The O’Reilly Factor.” This time, she even shocked O’Reilly.

“Lately,” Coulter began, “I feel like America is just filled with too many faggots, niggers, Jews, atheists, liberals, so-called conservatives who can’t even take candy from a baby, Democrats, rednecks, Scientologists and just all these people who aren’t as smart as me—and that’s everyone, really,” Coulter said while flashing a devilish grin.
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Two years ago , Hurricane Katrina put a spotlight on the issue of poverty. Unfortunately, too many Americans remain in the dark. The media does a good job covering the effects of poverty, but they completely ignore the root cause. Poverty is largely a faith-based problem. It is caused when people foolishly have faith in government instead of in God.

Good examples of this fact were provided every time a poor New Orleans resident complained about FEMA. It exposed a faith in government, and that faith was gloriously crushed by God. Sadly, it’s the only way the poor seem to learn, and it’s why God had to do what He did. It makes me feel sorry for God, and it’s why I hate the poor. Poor people, like homosexuals, force God to do mean things.

God tried to help everyone evacuate. He ordered New Orleans residents to leave the city, for instance, but only the faithful got His message. They didn’t actually hear God speak, of course. God worked his magic through their unconscious minds to coax them out of the city. Only President Bush and Pat Robertson actually get to hear His words and His voice.
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WASHINGTON, DC—It took me three years of living in two different worlds. I went to places so scary, I still have nightmares.

But now I’m the only one in the world who can say that I’ve fucked 37 Republican Senators and 128 Republican representatives in the ass. I've penetrated the asses of evil.

Many say that liberals aren’t patriotic, but I beg to differ. In each repulsive instance, my mind was focused: USA! USA! USA! And I have ten copies of the videotapes in undisclosed, secure locations.

Single-penisly, I made the Republican revolution into the Republican Ass-Fucking! I am now a huge part of history. Dozens of books will be written about my bold adventures. My memoirs will be worth millions. The Gay Black Jew will become a household name.
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WASHINGTON, DC—In what could be the scoop of the year, The Gay Black Jew has learned that Karl Rove is not resigning to “spend more time with his family.”

In fact, Rove announced his upcoming resignation once his office was contacted to comment for this story. The Gay Black Jew single-handedly forced Rove to resign by supplying pornographic video evidence of his long affair with a gay black Jew.

When confronted with the steamy evidence, one anonymous, high-ranking White House official was extremely stunned. “The President called him ‘Turd Blossom,’ but we had no idea that Rove actually liked to go where turds blossom. That certainly wouldn’t go over well with the GOP base.”

The Gay Black Jew would like to thank the courage of gay black Jew Jamaal Rosenthal, a reader of TGBJ, who came forward with the truth about “Bush’s brain,” Rove. Rosenthal seemed exhausted during an interview yesterday. CONTINUE STORY

WASHINGTON, DC—It was a beautiful, warm sunny day in the nation’s Capitol yesterday. Song birds were singing as Alberto Gonzales walked up the steps to the Department of Justice while being trailed by a throng of reporters.

He flashed his well-rehearsed smile and remarked, “It’s such a warm, sunny day in the Nation’s Capitol,” and then declined all questions as he headed into the massive DOJ building.

The members of the media immediately began scrambling to be the first to send an email on their Blackberries to their respective news organizations to report this startling new development.

Copy editors everywhere quickly tried to nail down the right headline. “Gonzales Not Entirely Full of Shit” was one passionate headline written in the heat of the moment that blatantly disregarded standards of decency at the New York Times. It was quickly changed to “Gonzales Not Entirely Full of B.S.”
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WASHINGTON, DC—Yesterday, Defense Secretary Robert Gates stunned reporters with his announcement that all operations in Iraq would be given names that more accurately reflect the reality on the ground.

The change begins with Operation Arrowhead Ripper, which began on June 18th. After just three days, Operation Arrowhead Ripper has now been dubbed Operation Penis Caught in Zipper.

Operation Penis Caught in Zipper involves 10,000 U.S. troops, backed by attack helicopters, in an effort to eliminate al-Qaeda forces operating in Bagouba and its surrounding areas.

The change in policy regarding operation names was a result of immediate and widespread criticism of the name “Arrowhead Ripper.”
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PRINCETON, NJ—With Hillary Clinton aiming to be the first woman to be President and Barrack Obama setting his sights on becoming the first black President, a new Democratic candidate emerged yesterday who would offer a series of firsts.

Sarah Warner, a political science professor at Princeton and a black lesbian Jew, announced her intentions to join the 2008 race yesterday in an exclusive for TheGayBlackJew.com.
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“Hillary Clinton is a communist, baby-killing dyke and I want Americans to know that,” Tom Delay said yesterday in his interview with Wolf Blitzer on CNN’s The Situation Room. “And Jesus hates Hillary and Bill, he told me so,” Delay continued, as a shocked Blitzer tried to steer the interview to address the 2008 Republican presidential candidates.

“Do you think the conservative base would get behind McCain or Giuliani?” Blitzer asked hesitantly. “I’m not done with Hillary,” Delay responded. “If that communist, baby-killing dyke gets elected, God will no longer bless America. He’ll probably bless China. They may be baby killers and communists, but at least their leader isn’t a lesbian. Do you want China as the world’s lone superpower, Wolf?”
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Despite months of careful analysis by the bipartisan Iraq Study Group, President Bush is answering to a higher power. “I’ve read most of the report, and I just don’t think it’s what god has in mind,” Bush said yesterday in a press conference.

“A lot of you reporters out there just don’t get it. I talk to god. So no matter what group of experts decides on an issue, I will surrender to god’s will.
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Ever since George W. Bush took office, many Americans have joked that Dick Cheney is the real president. Apparently, those Americans underestimated Cheney’s ambitions.

“I should be dictator,” Cheney was caught saying after a speech to Congress. He didn’t realize his microphone was still on as he spoke in a back room with a top-level aid. “With a President like Bush, if we didn’t have a constitution, I could really whip this country into shape,” he added.

Nancy Pelosi is third in line for the presidency. President Bush and Vice President Cheney will be under intense scrutiny now that the House and the Senate are controlled by Democrats. Henry Waxman is licking his chops to investigate all sorts of acts by the Bush administration. And so it is my New Year’s wish that Bush is impeached and Cheney either dies or is forced to resign for a number of shady deals…his advocacy for torture and the closed-doors energy policy written by oil companies come to mind.

Hey, I'm honest. And I'm patriotic, because getting rid of Bush and Cheney would be great for the country. Bush and Cheney have thoroughly trashed America's international reputation. A majority of Europeans now consider Bush to be a greater threat to world peace than Osama Bin Laden. Think about that. Our most important allies are in Europe. I want Nancy. Then, maybe Hillary. Hopefully, Gore. Possibly Obama, but he's awfully young. I don't think Hillary can win a general election.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—During his six years in office, President Bush never read a single memo brought to him by aides, according to the fine print in the 324-page Iraq Study Group Report. In fact, whenever a memo was presented to the President, Bush’s favorite response was, “Just give me the answers.”

Even a day before the report's release, when a Washington Post reporter asked the President what he expected, Bush replied, “Iraq is a big question mark right now. Hopefully, they can just give me the answers.”

The report traces this habit back to the President’s days as an undergraduate at Yale. As a member of the secret society “Skull and Bones,” Bush had access to answers for almost every test he took.
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Yesterday, in a small ceremony in the East Room of the White House, President Bush awarded former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld with the Presidential Medal of Freedom. As Bush stated early in his short address, “The Presidential Medal of Freedom is our nation's highest civil award given to men and women of exceptional merit, integrity and achievement.”

Bush also emphasized that the U.S. "never lost a war with Rumsfeld leading the Pentagon" and commended him for “orchestrating the brilliant strategies and tactics that have paved the way for victory in Iraq. Thanks to Rummy, the only way we lose this war is if we leave.” Rumsfeld was awarded his first Presidential Medal of Freedom by President Ford in 1971. He is the only American to have won the award twice.
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CUMBERLAND, Md.—Within two hours of Jack Abramoff’s arrival at a medium-security prison in Cumberland, Maryland, he had dispensed various gifts to at least a dozen fellow inmates.

From cartons of cigarettes (Newports, Marlboro Lights and Marlboro Reds) to home-tattoo machines, Abramoff displayed his uncanny ability to know what other people want…whether it’s politicians or convicted felons.

As a lobbyist, politicians mostly craved golf trips, box seats for sporting events, fancy accommodations and high-class hookers. But Abramoff wasted no time in proving that his gift-giving and influence peddling would not end just because he’s behind bars.

The former lobbyist shifted gears from high-brow to low-brow with the precision of a desperate man who knew that his ass was on the line.
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WASHINGTON, D.C.—If you scroll down, you’ll see one of the first stories I wrote for this site, “America’s Heart Requires Triple Bypass Surgery.” The accompanying picture has a heart clogged with the heads of Tom Delay, Bill Frist and Karl Rove. I chose these three villains because they controlled the House, the Senate and Bush’s brain, respectively.

That was almost exactly one year ago. Tom Delay, in particular, provided inspiration for the creation of The Gay Black Jew; his ultra-fundamentalist Christian comments over the years have been frightening…. yet they also provided a degree of moral legitimacy for my attacks on Christianity. CONTINUE STORY

Like many Americans, I add a fabric softener sheet to each load of laundry I put in the dryer—an act of blind faith and not something to which I give much thought.

It’s hard to imagine that such a thin, flimsy sheet of material could really do very much. And if it does work, do women find a slightly softer and more flowery-smelling me more or less attractive? I know a woman who likes the smell of gasoline, so it’s hard to tell.
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A three-year study conducted by the Heritage Foundation produced a shocking prediction about the safety of Americans. Specifically, the study found that an estimated .00000003% of all Americans will die from terrorism next year.

Previous estimates placed the risk at .000000021% to .000000026%, but this new study drew on a much larger body of data, both classified and unclassified. The .000000004% increase shocked the intelligence community and caught the immediate attention of both president Bush and Congress.
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In his State of the Union speech last night, President Bush introduced a radical new initiative called Lifting up the Poor. He quoted the bible extensively as he outlined how his new policy would ultimately benefit the poor even though it eliminates all entitlement spending to allow Americans who make more than $250,000 per year to live tax-free for life.

Bush began by drawing a comparison with his most prominent education policy, No Child Left Behind. “My administration is good at moving people around a little,” the president said with a grin. “With No Child Left Behind, we’ve given a lot of kids a push forward, and now with Lifting up the Poor, we could give underprivileged Americans a lift up."
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As of late last night, Vice President Dick Cheney was still waiting for an apology from a friend who blocked an excellent shot he took from his shotgun, a shot which was intended for a large, juicy quail taking flight from a patch of Texas tumbleweeds. The friend, 78-year-old Harry Whittington, is recovering from minor injuries in a Corpus Christi, TX, hospital.

A Secret Service agent, who was part of Cheney’s security detail at the time, claims that after shooting his friend, Cheney cracked a rare smile before he buried it behind crude impressions of human emotion. CONTINUE STORY

Tom Delay negotiated a controversial compromise yesterday among the Republican leadership on a right to die initiative sponsored by thirty-nine Democrats. He took the floor of the House of Representatives to announce the amended legislation, despite the ethics cloud still hovering above his head. Many republican senators are convinced “The Hammer” will be forced to resign or will lose in next year’s elections. Delay seemed inspired as he took the floor for his passionate address.

“Under my bill, if you’re gay, black or Jewish, you will have the right to die,” Delay began, in what could be his last formal address to Congress. “I know two gay men and one lesbian. They’re miserable. They know they’re going to burn in hell for eternity.

"If they want to go sooner rather than later, that doesn't bother me. Many black Americans are living in poverty. We saw that after Hurricane Katrina. If they want to die, it will save a lot of tax revenue from hard-working and God-fearing Americans. And Jews, well, they killed my savior Lord Jesus Christ. If a Jew wants to speed up their inevitable fiery plunge into Hell, I don’t have a problem with that either. Praise the Lord Jesus Christ.”
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A panel of eleven top doctors from NIH and Johns Hopkins sat behind a short Asian man as he approached a podium filled with microphones, to begin a rare NIH press conference. Qwing Qwang, Nobel-prize winner and lead cardiologist for America's heart, did not have good news. "Five years of the Bush administration has been like smoking three packs of cigarettes a day and exclusively eating cheeseburgers, pizza and funnel cake. That's putting it lightly. Poverty is up. Compassion is down.

"America's heart is also experiencing the effects of lost love. More people hate America now than ever before in our history. Some will always hate us. But Bush administration policies have caused millions of people in Europe to pick Bush as the greatest threat to world peace. Not Osama. Not Kim-Jong. Our president. That should be tremendously embarassing for all Americans. Those who mostly loved us, now keep a cautious eye on the lone superpower. Rejection is not good for America's heart.
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When Harriet Miers withdrew her nomination to the Supreme Court last month, it was thought to be because of concerns from conservative republicans and the White House’s reluctance to release records from her work as chief legal counsel to the president.

As Miers struggled to provide an ample legal trail of her work as a lawyer, her medical records were leaking all over the place. In particular, nine separate, documented cases, between 1961 and 1982, show that Harriet Miers had an abortion.

Abortion was at the center of the initial debate over her nomination. Her strong faith and her dedication to a strict Christian church were seen by many as an underhand indication of a pro-life stance. But then her medical records came out. That, of course, changed everything.

A bipartisan shock rippled through Washington. An old colleague in Texas, who did not wish to be named, painted an interesting picture of a younger Miers, before she became a born-again evangelical Christian.
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Yesterday, three high-level presidential aids came forward with shocking allegations about the mental health of the president. While admittedly unqualified to make a diagnosis, all three aids reported that Bush often talks to himself when he thinks he’s alone…and seems to be getting responses. It’s as if, the aids agreed, “He’s hearing voices.”

The aid who organized the leak recounted a revelation he had three days ago. “I was walking home from a restaurant in Georgetown, and I saw a ragged homeless man talking to a Dempsey dumpster. This guy was definitely schizophrenic, and I gave him a few dollars. But that night, I couldn’t sleep. The homeless guy reminded me so much of my boss. And my boss is the president. That’s not good. I had to do something.”

White House press secretary Scott McClellan attacked the three "traitors" in a press conference late last night.
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