I live in a country that is 85% Christian. And Jesus is by far the most popular dead guy around.

But I think Jesus was an arrogant, psychotic, manic-depressive bastard tyrant! I give him credit for some decent philosophy for his time, but other than that, he was an arrogant, psychotic, manic-depressive bastard tyrant.

Listen to Jesus: If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and throw it away; it is better that you lose one of your member than your whole body be thrown into hell...Matt 5:29-30

Since lust is deemed a sin, just about every Christian should have empty eye sockets. That's a bit worse than wearing a veil, if you ask me. Oh, and without lust, we might not be here. Think about it.

What if early humans had decided to abstain from sex like Christians are taught to do today (until marriage?) Oh yeah, marriage wasn't even invented yet. Bastards were everywhere! Just like on Fox News.
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A new domestic terrorist group popped up in the quiet town of Blacksfoot, Idaho yesterday, shocking local residents. Three churches were vandalized, with the message “We Know We Don’t Know!” spray-painted everywhere. Damages at First Baptist Church on Park Street were estimated to be $120,000.

According to fliers left at each church, the group calls itself Nobody Knows. They promise to target all those who think they know what, according to Nobody Knows, “We know we don’t know.”
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Not long ago, I looked at my life and wondered what I should do. What would Jesus do? I meditated deeply on this question, and I decided that Jesus would just be himself. Therefore, in order to do what Jesus would do, I had to be Jesus. So I went off my anti-Jesus drugs and within a few months, bam, I was Jesus again. Just like my psychiatrist predicted. 

See, I have a long history of being Jesus, or perhaps more accurately, “psychotic” Jesus. One time I was in a mental hospital and I met a guy who thought he was Jesus. Man, that was socially awkward. From that point on, I learned that it’s best to keep my Jesusness to myself. It avoids the damaging negative reinforcement when someone says, “Dude, you’re not Jesus.” That gets old quickly, dealing with so many non-believers. CONTINUE STORY

From last night’s debut of FOX News Weather with Ed “Full of Faith” Scott:

Hi Folks, it's great to be here. Before I start, I want to point out that this is the first weather report that goes beyond just current conditions and forecasts. I will also tell you how and why God is unleashing his wrath upon man. And the flag you see on the screen is a constant reminder that the weather is usually better in the U.S., folks, because God has truly blessed America.

Okay, the Lord is shining on Texas, hardly a cloud can be found in the whole state and South Carolina looks the same. CONTINUE STORY

Jesus is watching me, staring at me whenever I’m at my computer. He’s just to the right of my screen, and most people would take one look and assume that he is a symbol of my love for Jesus Christ.

Actually, I hate Jesus Christ. Quite simply, Jesus is fucking up my country. My holographic Jesus serves as a constant reminder of my enemy. I look to Jesus for inspiration, the inspiration to destroy him.

My holographic Jesus brings an element of realism that a figurine or picture cannot match. When I look at my glowing Jesus on the cross, he’s right where I want him to be. Unlike most people, I think Jesus suffered for his own sins; certainly not the sins of man.

His outrageous claims about Heaven and Hell were made with no proof whatsoever. Under the laws at the time, he deserved to be crucified. I believe that, under current laws and social norms, Jesus would have spent considerable time in the loony bin.
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Adam and Emily Donovan shopped the market for years, looking for an affordable new house that could accommodate their growing family. But the only houses with enough bedrooms for a 19-member family cost at least $6 million. So they got creative and purchased an old Giant grocery store for $2.5 million.

Adam had the idea when he went grocery shopping and noticed that there were 17 aisles—and he had 17 kids. Then the store closed and the building went up for sale. When nobody bought it, zoning laws were changed and Adam snatched it up.

It will be months before the grocery store is modified for residential use, and the Donovans are anxiously waiting to move out of their six-bedroom house. Last year, the septic system backed up and a second septic tank had to be installed to handle the family’s growing output of fecal matter. CONTINUE STORY

I go to a barber who’s in his twenties. When I sit down in the chair, I always politely ask how he’s doing. And I always get the same reply: “I’m just keepin’ it real.” I imagined how he does this.

I came to a quick conclusion that my barber must fake SOME things, like everybody does. Laughs. Sincerity. Guilt for committing armed robbery. Getting asked by your boss, who is fat, whether or not you think she’s fat.

In short, humans are not very good at all when it comes to “keepin’ it real.” We always dabble in the unreal. Speaking of unreal, nobody can touch god for keepin’ it totally unreal. Nothing in life has been more consistent and reliable than the constant unrealness of god.
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I met God in a beautiful mental hospital. I think He was there to help people. But it wasn’t very helpful to hear God tell me that He “doesn’t, hasn’t, didn’t, can’t and will not exist.”

As I looked at the menu to order my compartmentalized mental health dinner, he spoke up again. “Get the chicken with mashed potatoes, extra butter, hot sauce and green beans. Then write a big 'H' on the bottom of the menu and circle it, and they'll throw in a hamburger. That’s the best way to go tonight.”

It was like he had been there many times before. I knew it was God, slyly using his being-everywhere-at-the-same-time trick. God also did a lot of nifty hand motions whenever He spoke. That sealed the deal for me.

When a nurse came to give me my meds, He stood up and said, “Take that blue pill three times everyday for a week, and I will no longer exist.” Again, lots of nifty hand motions.

That didn’t give me much time. For days I had been refusing medication. I was having a blast being extremely manic, and now I was hanging out with God. It was party time.
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Religion fucks up your mind. It fucks it up so much that the twelve-year-old Boy Scout who was missing for four days in North Carolina “prayed he would starve to death so that he could go to heaven.” That’s straight out of his dad’s mouth. What a brainwashed idiot.

This is not all that different from the mentality of a suicide bomber. In both instances, a human being is wishing for death in order to get to heaven. But there’s no logical reason whatsoever to believe that a place like heaven exists. It defies all rational thought. It’s wishful thinking to an extreme. Sorry, but faith=ignorance.
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It’s a mystery now but I’d like to think that an atheist pulled some strings at the U.S. Mint. Thousands of new $1 coins were produced without “In God We Trust.” Can’t we all see this as an improvement? Can’t we all lose trust in god? No, let me restate that: can’t we all just lose god?

It’s quite arrogant, if you think about it: “In God We Trust.” As a U.S. citizen, I’m part of “we.” Yet not only do I not have trust in god, I think belief in god is absurd and devalues human life. I’m sick of watching news stories about people who lost a loved one and hearing them say something to the effect of, “I know he’s in a better place now.” NO! He’s not in a better place now; he’s dead and done with. No more he. It’s rough, but when you embrace the warm glow of godlessness, you realize that you have to make the most of your life on earth because it’s all you have. That gives more value to human life. And that is common sense.

Last year, a mentally ill mother threw her three young sons over a bridge and into the San Francisco Bay. She claims that god ordered her to sacrifice her boys to get them to heaven. The outcome of the case rests on whether the woman was legally insane at the time.

This is not the first time a Christian mother has made such a decision; you probably remember the case of Andrea Yates. It reminds me of what a wise Jewish man once told me, “If you’re a Christian, than why not just kill yourself and go to heaven?”

So I must raise this question: Isn’t anyone who believes in god legally insane? If an adult talks to an “imaginary friend,” they typically earn the diagnosis of schizophrenia. Bush claimed that he talked to god. So far, nobody has proven that god is anything but an “imaginary friend.” God is no more legitimate than Santa Claus.
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The Gay Black Jew is proud to announce that he has been accepted on a huge Atheist Blogroll. And this isn’t even a blog! Now he feels a sense of community. He feels a warm inner glow—the warm inner glow of godlessness. Feel it! Embrace it!

Join The Gay Black Jew and learn from his new virtual friends, many of whom are much more experienced and knowledgeable about all that is godless. Enter a world of fact, reason and reality-based living. Lose unnecessary guilt and earn a degree in common sense…free! Become more tolerant and understanding. It’s all in the Atheist Blogroll.

Jesus is back. He’s a sixty-year old Puerto-Rican pastor named Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda with a very large following that believes his claims that he is the real Jesus.

Lots of people have thought they were Jesus—it’s a sign of mental illness, typically mania. They usually end up taking anti-Jesus drugs for life. But this man’s “Growing in Grace International Ministry” has 300 congregations in two dozen countries.

De Jesus claims more than 100,000 followers and reaches many more with a 24-hour TV station, a radio show and several web sites.
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Genarlow Wilson was a 17-year-old Georgia high school student with a 3.2 GPA and no criminal record. He was a star on his football team and recruited by several colleges. He was also Homecoming King. Then a 15-year-old girl gave him a blowjob that was caught on video by a friend.

Now Wilson is in prison for TEN years—for a CONSENSUAL blowjob. Why? Because of Christianity’s attitude toward sodomy and its influence in drafting many state and federal laws. Despite a U.S. Supreme Court ruling against anti-sodomy laws, sodomy is still illegal in Virginia.

But this wasn’t even Virginia. This is the kind of shit that fuels my passionate attacks against Christianity. Here you have a young man with a promising future destroyed because a girl TWO years younger than him was nice enough to suck his dick.
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The Gay Black Jew has been involved in many incidents of international intrigue, usually disguised as a transgender Ethiopian scientologist. But this time I went too far. And this time I must confess: I stole Jesus' holy foreskin. It wasn't easy, and authorities may be on their way.

The shriveled, ancient, holy foreskin kind of looked like a small, fried pork rind when I first unlocked the safe in the Calcutta church 30 miles north of Rome. Basically, I stole it for money. I'm a master thief (I blog and I steal things). The Illuminati desperately wanted the Jesus foreskin and they paid me a large sum of money for the fried-pork rind-looking relic.
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A Children’s Story 

Over two thousand years ago, there lived a Magical Semen-Shooting Holy Ghost. The Magical Semen-Shooting Holy Ghost was a horny ghost and he flew all around the world, looking for women. But the ghost was also a sad ghost.

Like all ghosts, he was invisible. But he craved sweet love. He would find women everyday and try to strike up a conversation. But he never got a response.

A long time ago, in our galaxy right here…mankind was an unruly lot. There was no criminal justice system. People suspected of being witches were executed while rapists, murderers and thieves usually escaped any punishment.

Certain smart men observed that the fear of a god was effective to encourage civilized behavior. For some, the fear of an all-powerful and punishing invisible man was a panacea for bad behavior. The threat of eternal hell-fire was quite a motivation for good deeds. God-makers took notice of this and met the demand with a fresh supply of god.
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If you are a heaven consumer and give money to a church, your money could be helping to finance missionaries who go to Africa preaching against condom use. The failure to use condoms is helping to spread the AIDS virus. And AIDS is killing millions of Africans each year.

So, as a heaven consumer, your money may be causing death. It’s a fact. At the very least, it is paying for a sexually frustrated man’s car payments, mortgage etc. For all you know, the money you put in the basket on Sunday could be going for Ted Haggard-style hot gay sex with a male prostitute.

One more thing about missionaries—they’ve done a lot of harm in stamping out native African cultures and replacing them with god-fearing, brainwashed, church-going, t-shirt wearing Westernized wanna-bes. Christianity has destroyed many ancient cultures under a misguided sense of benevolence.
CONTINUE STORY

Looking back at history, bastards have come a long way.  There have always been bastards and there will always be bastards. In ancient times, the mother of a bastard could be stoned to death by her community. Apparently, it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

One day a woman in Bethlehem named Mary got knocked up by some goat herder. Over the ensuing weeks, she began to feel her stomach bulging slightly. She became frightened because she knew that she was carrying a bastard. What could she possibly do to avoid a horrible death by stoning? How could she live to be a mother to her bastard child?

It was the Holy Spirit! That’s what it was. There was no goat herder. There was no hot, passionate sex on the muddy floor of a cave. No, it was a miracle. And so Mary explained to everyone that one night there was a flash of glorious light that penetrated her vagina and left her in a state of ecstasy, with multiple orgasms. Only the Holy Spirit could do that.
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“I can remember lots of guys who wanted to fuck me years ago,” Susy Barber, a 30-year-old fat Catholic virgin, lamented. “Now that I gave up my faith in god and abstinence, it’s like I’m invisible.”

Barber estimates having gained 80 pounds since she turned 18 twelve years ago. “And the weight didn’t go to my ass, so even black guys don’t give me any attention,” Barber added. She credits fast food, all-you-can-eat jelly donuts at her church, no exercise, lots of TV and Internet surfing for her diminished sex appeal.
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The Catholic population in Turkey was estimated at 30,000 before Pope Benedict XVI  arrived in the 99% Muslim country on Tuesday. By Thursday morning, as many as 20,000 Turkish Catholics had converted to Islam.

One of those converts, who gave only his first name, Peter, explained: “Last September, the Pope’s speech about Islam got a Catholic priest here killed. I didn’t want to risk having him attack Islam again, so I converted. Not that Islam ever encourages violence.” After his last sentence Peter winked several times.

In September, Pope Benedict XVI caused widespread anger in the Muslim world when he quoted an ancient Christian emperor, who called the Prophet Muhammad’s teachings “evil and inhuman.”

Another Catholic who converted to Islam, but did not want to be named, lamented, “Just when Muslims had begun to forget the Pope’s portrayal of Islam, he shows up to remind everyone all over again.
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Note: When my parent's dog died, my mom bought a book for my young nieces to explain why the dog was gone. The book is called “Dog Heaven,” and it’s all a bunch of lies! Here’s my abbreviated and gentle atheist version:

Dear young boy or girl:

There’s a reason why your dog isn’t around anymore. It’s because your dog is DEAD. Dead means, “No more dog, ever.” Your dog did not go to happier place. Instead, your dog is starting a long process of decay right beneath the ground somewhere in your back yard. That’s probably where your parents buried your dog. Whatever you do, DO NOT dig up your dead dog.

If you did, you would find MAGGOTS feasting on the decaying carcass of your DEAD dog. Maggots are no fun for little boys and girls. But they’re just a part of the wonderful cycle of life and DEATH! Maggots like dead dogs. At least for a little while, then they go looking for another dead animal to nibble on.
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LOS ALAMOS, NM—Top secret documents leaked from Los Alamos Laboratory in New Mexico indicate that a new weapon is under development that could destroy God. The information leaked yesterday shows that several top scientists at the laboratory have been working on a non-government sponsored project that involves lasers and electromagnetic pulse weapons.

According to the scientists, God’s location was discovered by an amateur astronomer two months ago. They claim that His primary residence is on the planet Jupiter, where He enjoys watching Satellite TV during most of His waking hours. All of His actions that affect our planet are done through telepathy, emotion and hand gestures.
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Okay, not really. But I bet he would, for Sir Elton John had the balls to say this in a recent interview:

“From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate…I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people…"

AMEN. I know it’s harsh. I know it seems intolerant. But I’m sick of having to tolerate that which is the source of most intolerance: organized religion. It’s a mental pretzel that’s forced me to be intolerant of a popular part of many people’s lives: religion.

Intolerance is like a forest fire, fueled largely by religion, and the only way to put it out is by creating “controlled burns” on the perimeter. These small fires burn enough combustible material such that the main forest fire can no longer spread. The GBJ wants to control a burn.
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--Jesus Christ! He fucked me in the ass like I’ve never been fucked in the ass before. It was worth more than the $200 I gave him. I feel blessed. Saint-like. Plus, he gave me a great blowjob AND a great meth connection. Praise the Lord. Amen.

--I’m making lots of progress getting this anti-gay marriage bill passed here in Colorado and I feel really good about my overall efforts to spread the word of the Lord. Marriage is between a man and a woman and the bible teaches us that homosexuality is a sin.

You may not think that there is a war on Christmas, as Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson claim every night on FOX News and in their web site columns. But behind the scenes, Christians are clearly being persecuted in this country.

Most incidents don’t make the news, because, as everyone knows, Jews control the news. But if you dig a little deeper, it’s all in plain view.

John Gibson masterfully outlines the multiple frontlines in this hidden war in his cultural masterpiece, "The War on Christmas."
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My nieces recently stayed at my parents’ house for a week. At six and four, they were both full of energy and wore my mom out a little. One day, my parents took them to the fair.

When they got home, they didn’t have a stuffed animal or some other “prize.” They had a bible. Apparently there was a group telling bible stories to kids and handing out bibles. What the fuck? Is nothing sacred…or sacred-proof? I mean, keep your Jesus Off My Penis!Or, rather, keep your Jesus off my half-Jewish nieces’ tiny ovaries! Funnel cake and bibles DO NOT mix.

It was unfair…catching kids in the spirit of fun and then manipulatively planting seeds for Christianity. Goddamn Christians. That remark won’t win The Gay Black Jew any popularity contests, but Jesus Fucking Christ! Leave the kids alone at the fair, please!
CONTINUE STORY

Powerful, right-wing Christian groups were successful in convincing President Bush and many Republicans in Congress to oppose stem cell research. This occurred despite the fact that stem cells are discarded with excess embryos from in-vitro fertilization clinics everyday. All Americans should be proud of the president for steering our country away from the dangerous paths of science and common sense.

Now these same brave warriors for the common good are taking their superior ethical judgment to a less controversial arena: fruit. Last month, the University of Hawaii’s Plant and Molecular Physiology Department discovered a way to inject genes from a pumpkin into apples.
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In July, using sophisticated wide-spectrum, earth-penetrating X-ray technology, archaeologist Jon Spicher detected a faint glow in soil twelve feet deep in a forest next to where Jesus gave the Sermon on the Mount. The glow turned out to be petrified fecal matter that Spicher, an evangelical Christian, believes is the work of Jesus Christ.

Philippians 4:8  “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

That’s what I was trying to read on a church sign as I veered off the road and plowed into an oak tree. My eyes made it to “praiseworthy.” Then I began to feel and hear metal twisting and bending.

Yes, I blame Jesus. If he hadn’t talked so much, or at least if someone hadn’t written it all down (or made it all up), then I’d still have my car.
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Memories from last winter’s trip to hell are still hot and fresh in the minds of those who participated. Everyone had a great time. There were hot women, hot guys, everything was hot.

When I think of hell, the first thing that comes to mind is freedom. If you don’t already know, hell has free cigarettes, free drugs and live music 24 hours a day. It’s also the only place you can hear Jim Morrison sing with Jerry Garcia and Jimmy Hendrix playing guitar together. Oh, and open bars are mandatory, one per square mile. There’s also free anal sex classes and group masturbation seminars.
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Chestertown resident Steve Williams, 39, spends a lot of time staring at the sky. And each day, he scours the news for a couple hours looking for signs of the Second Coming. On weekends, Williams spends long hours sitting in his patio lounge chair studying the sky like a Where’s Waldo book. But he’s not looking for Waldo, he’s looking for Jesus.

According to Williams, Jesus is going to bathe the sky around the world with light when he descends from heaven down to earth any day now.   “He’s up there, he’s coming and goshdidilyarenit, I’ve been a good Christian,” Williams said yesterday with a satisfied grin.
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God strictly advises against eating shellfish. Doing so, “Shall be an abomination unto you.” And if you attack a pregnant woman and kill her baby, the Bible says you just have to pay a fine. That's all.

What about abortion? Isn’t that like a fine? You have to pay to get one. You’re killing a fetus and paying money, just like the Old Testament demands. There are differences, but one point is clear: the Old Testament did not equate the life of a fetus with that of a child who has been born. Yet Holy Rollers today do just that.

Exodus 21:22--The Lord said..."Suppose a pregnant woman suffers a miscarriage as the result of an injury caused by someone who is fighting. If she isn’t badly hurt, the one who injured her must pay whatever fine her husband demands and the judges approve.

Food of Satan 17:24--Every time you eat shrimp, God gets really, really mad. (Leviticus 11:9-12)