Yesterday I bought some ads on Google for key word searches. I entered about fifty words/phrases, one of which was “Jesus.” The religion section of The Gay Black Jew has what I consider to be a rather unique perspective on this much-celebrated man, so I wanted to get the word out. Soon after I placed the ad, I Googled Jesus. Holy shit! The Gay Black Jew was the top ad on the right! Right next to pictures of Him! The ad:

The Gay Black Jew
Oye Vey, Yo—Culture War
Go to Hell With The Gay Black Jew!

Most of the other ads below mine were mainstream French-kissing Jesus’ ass type stuff. And there I was, proudly at the top. Just in time to wreck somebody’s Christmas. When I die, I'm taking a superhighway to Hell. I'm pre-approved, no credit check will be necessary.

I think this might be the first ad in history that tells viewers to go to Hell. That makes me proud. I felt like Beavis for a while, Googling Jesus over and over in disbelief and breaking out in uncontrollable laughter.
CONTINUE STORY

You’ve never tried Shango Sauce. Only I have. You don’t even know what it is. Only I do. And yet it is undoubtedly the most important sauce ever created. Quite simply, it is the sauce that can save the world. No other sauce can make such a claim.

Shango Sauce is not your typical food-based sauce. It is a powerful and mighty sauce for your mind, for it allows one to inherit the knowledge of the universe via the Holy Spirit. Don’t even think about using Shango Sauce, though. Only I can use it. In the wrong hands, Shango Sauce can destroy the world. It’s one of the more serious sauces.

Shango Sauce is not in the bible, but I’ve heard that it is in the Teacher’s Edition. You know, the one with all the answers that actually make sense.

I discovered Shango Sauce at Potomac Ridge Mental Hospital in Rockville, Md. I learned a lot at Potomac Ridge, like how difficult it is to be on a quest for the Holy Grail while in the loony bin. CONTINUE STORY

Until the philosophy which holds one God superior
And another
Inferior
Is finally
And permanently
Discredited
And abandoned–
Everywhere is war–
Me say war.

Until there are no longer
First class and second class citizens
of any nation
Until the judgment of a man’s soul
Is not tied to a dusty fiction hole
Me say war
CONTINUE STORY

A cartoon depicting a bloody Lego God with one sword stuck in his chest and another in his head on a web site called TheGayBlackJew.com caused rioting, vandalism, hate crimes and protests by angry Christians all across the country yesterday. Within hours of the first acts of violence and mayhem, President Bush declared a national state of emergency in order to prevent further cartoon-induced chaos.
CONTINUE STORY

A high-level official at the Vatican, who would not allow his name to be used, produced a shocking memo yesterday indicating that Pope Benedict considered a policy of genital mutilation to ensure celibacy among Catholic priests. It was one of many internal proposals aimed at addressing the sexual abuse scandals. The radical idea apparently did not gain much support and was quickly dismissed.

The memo took an interesting approach to the topic of genital mutilation, referring to the suggested operation as “double circumcision.” The procedure that was considered, however, goes far beyond mere circumcision. Advanced lasers were to be used to burn all the nerve endings in the penis, so that the organ could no longer be any source of pleasure under any circumstances.

An initial test on a black Catholic priest from Zimbabwe produced an undesirable side effect. According to the source at the Vatican, after the operation, the priest could no longer tell when he had to urinate. After several days of pissing on himself, he was outfitted with adult diapers. A week later, he attempted suicide.

A spokesperson for the Vatican denied the existence of any such memo.